It has never failed to annoy and amaze me how people who HAVE the money (political candidates, businesspeople, promoters, club owners, etc) will always expect a professional like me to do something for them FREE....then will pay an unqualified person to do what EYE do...get a half-ass job done (or not at ALL) with minimal to NO results...THEN come back to ME to STILL want ME to do it for free or give them a cut-rate deal that's mere pennies in MY pocket and NOTHING compared to the idiots they paid before!
So because YOU did an "idiot" move by hiring an idiot, EYE'm suppose to incur the cost of your idiocy AND the idiot you hired and PAID because....because....because? And THAT'S when it gets REALLY convoluted. You get answers like, "Well, I know it's what you do and it's like nothing for you" OR "Well, I figured you could use the help so I'm willing to throw a few dollars your way" (Like YOU are doing ME the favor. WTF?!) For the record, FOOL....EYE AIN'T NO HO!! And MY work equates MORE than a few shakes around a polefor a poor-ass mentality "fake pimp" who thinks a drink and a burger makes up for a "consultation" session.
My passion and compassion have always been a "detriment" to me in business. EYE have always said that EYE am more of a "creative" mind than business. NOT that EYE can't BE "business." But my focus is on the creative side...and making sure YOUR business gets the promotion it should. The irony that EYE would put others' business needs before my own is a challenging contradiction of sacrifice/survival. Tested the theory. It's NEVER works. Especially when you have too much heart. You try to give people a "break"...just to, in turn, have their callous crooked insecure jealous arrogant idiotic insane (Where da hell YOU learn business from?! ARROGANT DUMMIES ARE US?!!) ways nearly break YOU. As a woman in business, you're either gonna be called a bitch or a ho. Or maybe even both. Some might have "tried" to pimp me into the role of "ho." But they found out quickly the the little "Phoenix Fish Oracle" quickly turns into "Dark Phoenix" and a craaaaazy arsenal of "bitch fires" in my bag. Very adaptable to ANY situation and ever replenishing. Oh YES....EYE've got flames of pains and sub-machine gun lyrical and spiritual voodoo bullets for EONS to pull from and could STILL have enough in my arsenal for 10 more life times. Don't let the smile and friendly eyes fool you. They're being held by back a consciousness that realizes most people don't know what or who they're dealing with...until it's too late.
That being said....this constant "holding back" and constantly wondering WHY too many people do the completely insane, inhumane, non-professional, idiotic, nonsensical, self-sabotaging things they do was getting waaaaay too much and putting an impossible weight on my already heavily-weighted down shoulders. EYE was being buried by the bullshit and the depression...much of it which was mine to have. This thing about "our people" and "our community" was clearly becoming evident to be nothing more than a myth and illusive dream in my head. "Our" community and "our" people were not "MY" people. They had not been for a loooooong time. These were merely the same folks...the same seed from the old days that would have you save them, help them, free them....just to turn around and NOT return the love...or even worse, crucify YOU and pay the King to do it (of course, which the King would turn around and put it right back in the hands of the traitors because even HE recognized the "REAL" and the ultimate outcome...and didn't want the blood on HIS hands. Hmmmm.....age old story. Relived and played out....again.)
EYE AM RISING...out of Egypt. EYE AM RISING...out of Hell. EYE AM RISING...out of the lies spun by those who say "I have your back" when they don't even have their own...and they NEVER had YOURS; they just wanted YOU to believe so YOU could always "DO" for them and wait for...wait for...wait for.....nothing. EYE AM RISING...out of too many dark days where too many blunts, too many drinks, too much coffee and too empty nights in crowded dark places could not help me find the balance or peace or breath EYE was needing.
Thinking, it was a good thing EYE was a nurse's kid because "popping pills" was a turn off for me as a child....especially after reading in my Mom's medical journals what those things REALLY do. There are a millions ways to go out the proverbial "back door." Pill-popping and hardcore drugs WERE NOT gonna be one of them. Hell to da naah! Most didn't; but EYE learned from Billie...from Michael...from Whitney....or did EYE?
People look at the method of what kills a spirit and a person. But what about the cause? EYE was finding that the very thing which was taking me out faster than anything.......was a broken heart. And too much trust. And waaaaay too much stress. "You have high blood pressure due to stress," said the doctor. "NOT diet. NOT obesity. NOT diabetes. Not your angina. STRESS."
Make no mistake: STRESS KILLS. Well, let's back it up a bit. Stress can actually motivate you to do better; DISTRESS KILLS!! Just like DIS-EASE kills. And EYE AM RISING from ALL those things that "distresses" me and "dis-eases" me. EYE AM RISING from "our" people and "our" community who have NEVER proven to be "MY" community. So-called "brothers" and "sisters" that have NEVER been that to me, even when EYE tried my best to be a "sister/soror" to THEM. EYE AM RISING from people who live for the lie...and the image...and the fake camaraderie, but there is NOTHING of substance. Thieves among thieves; snakes among snakes; ills among ills....and EVERYONE playing a "role" while feeling empty inside and being fed nothing of real substance. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!
EYE AM RISING from folks who would EXPECT you to constantly do for THEM while they never think about doing ANYTHING for YOU except putting MORE work, MORE stress and LESS money on your plate....like YOUR bills and dreams are supposed to come second to theirs. EYE AM RISING from folks who "think" they are getting away with the same ole "jedi-mindtricks," not realizing they were NEVER getting away with it; EYE was just giving them ONE MORE CHANCE before EYE cut ties completely to see IF by some chance they would be a REAL person and do the right thing. Ahhhhh.....this lesson, however, was for ME to learn to accept (or reject) people as they are...and when they show you the pattern of how they are, it IS what it IS. Don't change it; don't waste time; just kill them (Ooops...sorry. THAT is what a soldier instinctively thinks of first.) or just walk away. (THAT is what a soldier with a GOD-spirit thinks of 2 seconds later. Praise GOD for the 2-second delay.)
EYE AM RISING from an alma mater that never was. Maybe for 4 years...maybe. But it was and is CLEAR that my Daddy on his dying bed was making perfect sense when he told me NOT to go there and to leave this place. EYE will NEVER begrudge the "tradeoff." Because for him, just like my husband, just like my Mother...EYE was HERE when the end came. The sunshine in the rain and the peace in the pain. The 24-hours before the end and the moments before my life completely changed. But now...there is NOTHING keeping me mentally or spiritually OR financially bound. No "community." No "people." Nothing to ADD to my pot. Just take away from. It's always a "decrease" here. Always...if you don't play the "plantation" game. Remember when EYE said that you're either the bitch or the ho when you're trying ot do business in certain places? Well the ho NEVER was and the bitch is exerting some "creative expression over depression" with some friendly fire and a final "toodles to the bad wind." The mental and the spirit are already ascending. And physical is just temporary condition to follow. Once the mind and spirit's gone, there really IS nothing left, is there?
There is so much more to say. However, saving the rest for the book. And NO, the book will NOT be free....as this lesson has not been either. Some are probably wondering why EYE am so transparent. Some EYE am probably making nervous or a bit agitated right now. YOU SHOULD BE! Your lying fake nature speaks volumes....more than EYE can ever say. It shows on your face and spirit without me even having to utter your name. You can't run from who you are. But EYE can walk away and RISE from you. There is nothing to save....nothing to see....but me....and a destiny EYE had taken my eyes off of trying to look back just a little too much and too long.
And to that person that is truly getting the message delivered in this: THIS was for YOU. Take it...heed it...spend it as you will. This "Moses" says "GOD Speed" as EYE head for better hills. Yep...been to the mountaintop. And unlike, Martin, EYE plan on getting to the other side and enjoying the heck out of it!!
And EYE would say it didn't take ME 40 years traveling in circles around the same mountain to figure it all out. But in a way, it DID, didn't it?
My Pesach story. And though EYE can't vouch for Moses', EYE can vouch for this one. VERY REAL VERY TRUE....INDEED.
HAPPY PESACH. EXODUS AND RESURRECTION. ~GONE~